Well Hello There!!!

O.K. three weeks is enough, I know! These last few weeks truly have me stumped. One would think that with everything going on in the world that I could muster some inspiration to write. Not so! I have wanted to write about a ton of subjects but have been unable to piece more than two words together. "Fuck It" is the extent of my creativity. So let me throw out some random shit and see where it takes me.

1. I saw Lewis Black in concert. He said "Fuck" or one of its many off shoots, 257 times. It was fucking brilliant.


2. Women's beach volleyball is my new favorite sport. Well, at least until football season starts. (I haven't totally lost my mind.)


3. When did Ping Pong and Badminton become sports and Baseball and Softball not? Have the Olympic Muckity Mucks lost there fucking minds?


4. Horse doping in the Olympics??? What's next, a corked balance beam scandal?


5. When you tell a cab driver the address that you need to get to, they should never say "I am not knowing where dat iz!" Look, there's a thing called GPS, buy one!


6. How did McCain score a milf with such bad teeth?


7. My brother is still a dick.


8. This is the most honest obituary. . . . . . . ever!

My neck hurts, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Jake

Shark Week

As you might Imagine Bucky and Gordo have much different taste in television shows than I do. They tend to watch shows containing war, race cars, and asshole right wing news broadcasters. Last night at the firehouse I found myself watching a "Shark Week" show on the Discovery Channel with said half witted co-workers. Now on this program the apparently intelligent shark gurus were trying to figure out how to make sharks attack them. I know! Stick with me on this. They were doing this by getting in the water and doing shit to entice the sharks to attack. Things like wave a dead fish on a spear, pretend to be a seal, and float around on a surfboard and splash. Yeah, these are the experts! I was dumbfounded as to why the fuck these nimrods were doing this. You don't see bomb squad guys doing shit to see what it takes to blow there hand off do you? I assume in any case there is a logical sequence of events that would lead someone to form a reasonable idea as to what causes bad shit to happen. You don't need to prove to me that sharks like a bloody leg and that an M80 will blow your nuts off! Then it got really strange. At the end of a commercial break as the show was about to start, a voice said the following.

"These are highly trained professionals do not attempt this at home."

WTF? Is it a nation wide epidemic that folks are keeping great white sharks in there back yard? Look numbnuts If sharks are knocking on my front door like some 1970's Saturday Night Live re-run then I have bigger things to worry about.


Like maybe the fact that the Pacific Ocean moved a mile and a half inland. The only thing that I learned by watching that show is that either the folks at the Discovery Channel are idiots, or that they think we are. Then I looked over and saw the wonder twins totally captivated with there mouths hanging open. You could have walked over and kicked them in the head and they would have been oblivious. Maybe I shouldn't second guess the marketing guys at the network after all.

Infamy???

Family's like him...

The School Board likes him...

Kids fucking love him!!!!!



Golfers...



Green keepers...



Snobs...



Slobs...



Yuppies...



Hippies...



The English...



and the French....

*Snip* *buzzzzzzzzz* *snip*

Steve Jobs Ruined Me!!!

Can you please help me out? How have I arrived at this point and place in my life? Gone are the days of rampant underachieving and gross apathy. How I long for lazy Wednesday afternoons where I can contemplate excuses for my lackluster existence. I have an idea as to the cause of my dilemma.

Fuck you Apple Evangelists!!! Your creations of brilliance have ended one mans dreams of an aimless existence. You were not happy with bringing home computing to the masses. You targeted the young and old with catch phrases like plug and play, drag and drop, spring loaded, and what you see is what you get!!! You Bastards!!! You ensnared us all with a magic box that holds 8,000,000,000,000 songs! Was it enough? No I say, no it was not! You have exposed me to a poison worse than crack....



Because of you, I now know. . .

1. who
2. what
3. why
4. when
5. where
6. how
7. how come
8. how much
9. the repercussions if I do
10. the repercussions if I don't
11. the cost
12. the length
13. the width
14. the girth
15. Triple E
16. Double D
17. Quantity
    
18. Quality
19. Essence
20. Existence
    
21. Terms
22. Definitions
23. Decimals
    
24. Fractions
25. Factions
26. Actions
27. Auctions
28. Do's
    
29. Dont's
30. Wills
31. Wont's
    
32. and how to say Fuck in French.

So to all you selfish, no good, rotten bastards at Apple. . .

Futuere' !!!

Jake

Ten More Things I Learnt....

So my week has gone well. How are all of you? I had hoped to work an extra shift this week at the firehouse. But alas that failed to come through. You see, I am finding that I am way more productive there than at home. Mrs. T kicks the honey do list into overdrive when she knows I will be around for a few days. At work I ensure the equipment is up to speed, training is finished, and we are available for emergencies. Usually after 5pm ; pending calls, we are free to do our own thing. Even though I am at a busy house, it's easy to find quiet space to focus and be productive. Here are a few things that I learned this week....

1. A black man with a middle eastern name has a great chance of becoming President.
2. The guy at the Giants game on Monday with the Celtics hat turned backwards, is a dick. (Get off your cell phone prick boy and order, or get the fuck out of line!!!)
   
3. Walking twenty-five miles sucks a whole lot more than paying 4.25 for a gallon of gas. Thank Skid Jones for that little pearl.
4. If you drink enough, even a brain tumor doesn't stand a chance.
5. If you miss the last ferry home from San Francisco, a cab cost $120 to my house.
6. Hillary thinks there is O.T. and that she can kick a field goal and pull off a last second victory.
7. Twenty-one years of networking makes career expansion when you're older, a whole lot easier.
8. R Kelly really is a creep.
9. I'm old. Many of the students. . . sorry, correction. . .most of the students I will be teaching are younger than my son.
10. Arnold Schwarzenegger was a better actor than he is a Governor. As I recall he doesn't have a whole lot of thespian recognition. What next, are they going to elect a fucking wrestler?

See you all tomorrow. . .

Happy Mother F*@&#R Day!!!

What a week! I'll do my best not to dwell on my bullshit to much. Please bear with me for just a moment. Mrs Titus is in Alaska and the young Titus is at dinner with her boyfriends family. So, Jake is flying solo tonight. Frankly, it sucks. As you all know, today is Mothers Day. Being estranged from my mother has left me in a weird funk. To top it off her birthday is tomorrow. It's a blatant reminder that I do not have what most of you do. So my message to all of you is "appreciate what you have."

Not wanting to stay home alone tonight I decided to treat myself to dinner. Bad idea!!! I arrived at a local restaurant tonight to get a bite to eat and discovered that it was PACKED!!! So, I elected to eat at the bar. Now, can you help me out here? What the fuck possesses drunk people in bars to strike up conversations with me? I mean really, is there some neon message plastered across my forehead that says "Talk to me, I'm pathetic"? No, there isn't. Two weeks ago a guy babbles to me about wanting to be a solider of fortune and kill people. (No, I'm not fucking kidding.) Now tonight this couple starts in on me. To provide a little background, this restaurant/bar belongs to a friend of mine. These two dirt bags are "BLITZED"!!! They start telling me how bad the food is and how bad the service is, blah blah blah blah blah. Not five minutes into this whole episode the male half of the "Hammered Duo" says "hey, can you get me a job?" .............???? WTF? Are you kidding me? You verbally dismantle my friends business and then ask me for a job? Why? Why me? Can I not wallow in my own misery in peace? Does every drunk on the west coast somehow "relate" to me?

So I have this entire week off. I do not have to return to work until next Sunday. Last week I posted a list of things that I hoped to accomplish. Without having time off I have already accomplished seven of the nineteen listed items. This week might actually end up going pretty well. Unfortunately I won't have the chance to see my friend Skid. Of all the things on my list, I looked forward to that the most. Well, maybe next time.

The running is going well. I am forcing myself to train two days and then take one day off. So far there are no pains. In addition I am continuing to be motivated. I still have to pick a race out for June. Hopefully by doing that, my motivation to train will remain high.

Spee-dont!!!

Two incidents have now occurred in the last week that I just cannot let go. With the weather getting warmer here in Cali I fear that these incidents might become more frequent. In my opinion, men wearing nut hugger speedos, is not acceptable.

The first incident occurred way to close to home. My neighbor (lets call him Tony) and his wife just got back from a vacation in the Virgin Islands. Mrs. Titus and I accepted an invitation to go to their house to see vacation pictures. Now normally I would have cut my own throat and lit my hair on fire in response to such an invitation. This situation was different because they are really fun people that; like me, drink like fish.

This will help paint a more vivid image for you. With the help of modern technology we were viewing said pictures on Tony's big screen TV. Now, all is going well for the first five minutes or so. "Here we are . . . blah blah blah. Here I am at . . . blah blah blah." As you can imagine, a typical boring vacation montage.

Without warning, Blam!!! Before my eyes is a big screen hi-def shot of Tony. He's sunning himself on the beach in a white ball choking banana hammock. WTF!!! I just about shot stout out my fucking nose. There has to be some sort of breach of etiquette here. I'll give Tony a small amount of leeway here as he is from Europe. But really, what the fuck?" Like parental warnings that precede a major motion picture. Can you give me some preemptive warning here? To make matters worse, Tony is not a manscaping kind of guy. Again, he's from Europe. Now normally I don't care how or if another dude grooms. I swear it looked like he had a Pomeranian stuffed in his Lycra Man-Thong. Night ruined! Aside from the disturbing imagery burned into my cerebral cortex, let me tell you that Guinness in your sinuses fucking burns.

The second incident happened this afternoon. I was driving around town on errands. It's hot today. The temperature is in the low eighties with no wind to speak of. Without warning and without shame (on his part) I see him. A wrinkled up guy in his 70's. He's in the front of his house that is on a busy city street. He's washing his car wearing flip flops and a baby blue speedo. Uuugggghhhhhh. I verped and nearly crashed the shit box into a light pole. Now apparently this guy isn't a bologna bag amateur. His skin looks like burnt orange leather. He's been doing this a while. I wanted to go kick his neighbors teeth in for never cluing him in.

So dudes, if your ever feel so inclined to throw on one of these testicle trapeze nets, please think twice. Unless you're going to win a medal in the fucking Olympics I don't feel it's a wise move. Let me go on public record with the following promise to all of you. Should I ever see Tony washing the Volvo with his "Caack-n-Boools" hanging out. I will set him straight.

The Female Mind

As indicated by my very brief post two days ago, I have had ten or so days of hell. I had every intention of writing about my miserable week and a half. I wanted to rant. I wanted to scream at the top of my friggen lungs. I was simply waiting for time. When the time came, I was going to puke my rage out onto the pages of my blog. One huge misery purge.

Then, the time came. Low and behold. . . . . I didn't feel like spewing all of this shit out! I've gotten over most of it and the rest I'm trying to let go of. But that still leaves the blog. So instead of doing a bullet point rant of all this crap, I am instead going to write about an observation I made last week.

On "Good Friday" Mrs. Titus began to feel like crap. This continued for several days. On Monday I had the day off from work. While she slept in I got up from bed and started doing shit around the house. Here is a brief list.

• I emptied the dishwasher.
• I filled the dishwasher and ran the load.
• I took Grandma to her doctors appointment.
• I took Grandma to her lab appointment.
• I went to the pharmacy to get Grandmas medicine.
• I went home and emptied the dishwasher.
• I folded the cloths in the dryer.
• I did two more loads of cloths and folded them as well.
• While in the process of vacuuming the house (including the stairs from hell), Mrs. Titus wakes up and the following conversation and event transpire. . .

Me: Hi Honey. How are you feeling?

Her: Like crap. Can you make me a tuna sandwich?

Me: Sure I can. Do you want chips with that?

Her: No, just the sandwich. . . thanks.

Me: No problem, you just lay down. I've got everything under control around here.

So I proceed to make us tuna fish sandwiches. Rather than stay in bed, she chooses to come down stairs and eat at the table. Now let me remind you, the house is DIALED IN!!!!! I bring her her sandwich. She takes ONE bite and says. . . .

Her: There is way to much tuna on this sandwich and you also used to much Dijon. I knew it! You just don't love me anymore!

Me:?

Women often say that men are babies when we're sick. For the most part, I agree. But, after having the flu I have never gotten out of bed and discovered. . .

• The oil had been changed in All of the cars, and the Harley.
• The lawn is mowed
• The plants and bushes are trimmed and fertilized.
• The cars are washed and gassed up.

you get the picture. . .

See I don't expect that. But believe me If that happened, the last thing I would say is. . .

Me: Honey, you are a heartless bitch. You fucked up my lunch!

Help me out here. Am I off base? WTF

Shock and. . . . .Awe Shit!!!

It's been five years. As you can imagine my new co-workers hold a much different opinion of this war than I do.

Which is really kind of funny when I think about it. I am the only liberal at the new "Branch". I am the only individual opposed to this whole fucking fiasco. But when we were all younger and. . .

They were doing this. . .

I was doing this.

It's so ironic that many of the folks that are pro-war, never wore a uniform in defense of this country. Although they would never admit it, they feel that kids from here should fight this war.

Not kids from here.

Five years ago under, the false guise of weapons of mass destruction, he led us into a terrible conflict that the world may never recover from. He talked of the tyrant that oppressed, maimed, and killed his people. But even removing him from power hasn't ended the conflict.

Was it really about him?

Was it really about these?

No, I think it was about this. . .

So folks, if you really care about this country, our troops, and being true patriots then quit driving these. . .

Which will reduce your need to go here. . .

And maybe, just maybe. . .

Well all get to see more of this.


PEACE!!!

This is not good!!!

Welcome to my little version of HELL. So a few days ago I posted about my unwanted move to a new "Branch" at the "Company." I used words like "optimism" and "positive" to describe how I was choosing to handle it. Well, fuck that!!! I have two new co-workers. They are Bucky and Gordo. To be kind I'll just say "they think differently than I do".

So my first warning as to what was in store for me at the new diggs came in the parking lot. There were big trucks sporting large latex bull testicles at the trailer hitch. I can only imagine why they have gun racks. Both trucks had empty Budweiser cans in the bed. Somehow I don't see these guys as being big recyclers.
Most everyone at the "Company" arrives about twenty minutes early to chat, read the paper, have coffee, watch the news, etc. . . I kid you not, they BOTH had G.W.B coffee cups!!!!! AAAGGGHHHHHH please kill me now!!!!!!!
So, while we're having coffee in the break room, this is on the television. ENOUGH SAID!!!!!!
In the can (men's room), there were two magazines. Bowhunter and the NRA monthly. With names like Gordo and Bucky what can you expect. The gun racks in the trucks are starting to make sense at this point.

I wish I could get a shot of the photo Bucky has on his desk. It's similar to this one accept they are in the rose garden at the White House. The message at the bottom thanks him for his support. I am in fucking deep shit!!! Who the hell did I piss off? Maybe it was that letter I sent to then "Texas Governor" Bush asking why Tom Landry was a hero and two dead Houston firefighters were not.
This is my hell!

(p.s. aren't the Morans all living in Utah hanging out with their wives?)

Please send good vibes my way. . .

Jake

Good Job!!!

"Yes, my dick is this big."

What the hell was Eliot Spitzer thinking?

Well, OK. . .I know what he was thinking. . .

I imagine their first meeting went something like this. . .

Spitzer: Your very beautiful, what's your name?

Dupre: Alexandra

Spitzer: Well Alexandra, would you have sex with me for say. . . .a million dollars?

Dupre: Well of course I would.

Spitzer: Great, let's go! (handing her a $5.00 spot)

Dupre: What's this? (taking said $5.00 spot)

Spitzer: I'm paying you to have sex with me.

Dupre: Five dollars, what kind of girl do you think I am?

Spitzer: Well I think that we have already determined that, now we're just negotiating the price.

I mean really, $4000?????? Dude, you're an idiot. And to drag your poor wife up to the podium for your little "press conference." WEEAAKKK. I have all the sympathies for your family. Hell, I don't even blame Ms. Dupre' for all of this B.S. The folks in New Jersey are much better off. If it turns out that you paying for your little sex-capades out of the state coffers, they should lock you up!

Sorry if this is a little harsh. But with the current condition of our country and the economy, leaders should be held to a higher standard. Homes are foreclosing at an alarming rate and this guys is buying $4k poon. WTF!!! Hey dickwad! Does "glass houses and stones" ring a bell?

Step off before I go off!!!

Well it's day one at the new "Branch". So far so good. The new co-workers were fairly welcoming this morning. Although I did get the "this is how we do it here" speech. The knuckle head that was here before has not taken any of his shit away yet. Kind of hard to get settled when all of my shit is still in boxes in my car. So I'm realizing that I have one of two paths to choose from. First, I can wallow in my misery and hate each day here. Option number two is to attempt optimism and wait out my time until a transfer becomes available. Against my better judgement I've chosen number two. I hope It's the right decision *crossed fingers*. So I'm going to give it a few weeks before I start ranting.

That being said, let's move on. . .

Yesterday I stopped at the grocery store to shop for dinner. It was not a huge shopping excursion just enough that I used a hand held basket. At the check out counter they have a small shelf for customers to place the plastic basket when it is there turn. So as is common practice when it's my turn to have my groceries rung up, I place my basket on the shelf. That's when it happens. This lady behind me is a total space invader. For fucks sake lady can you get any closer to me? Will you check my prostate while your up my ass? Why do people do this? I'm at the little counter where people can write a check or do whatever, and she is 10" to my right. That's no exaggeration!!!! This isn't the first time either. I'm noticing this more often. People are in such a damn rush that they are trying to push the rest of us along at their pace. Slow down people!!!! Back the fuck up!!! I shop at my pace, I drive at my pace, and I use the ATM at my frigging pace.

O.K. that feels better. . .

Jake

Breathe Jake, Breathe.

I have a million ideas and thoughts spinning around inside my head right now. I'm thinking about so much stuff that it's hard to concentrate. It feels like there are huge speakers on each side of my head. Each one is blasting random shit at 800 decibels.

It's amazing that even with everything I have on my plate and my mind, I have nothing to really write about. I've combed the news, read lists of posting ideas, and lurked around others blogs for a good part of the day. It hasn't helped.

I wanted to write about Brett Favre, Patrick Swayze, and John Ritter but honestly I don't have it in me at the moment.

Each day I grow more frustrated and angry with how bad the economy is. Peoples lives are falling apart and we have a fuckstick in office that didn't know gas will soon cost $4.00 a gallon.

The elderly; many of whom don't understand how a calculator or computer works, are expected to navigate their way through our broken medical system. The new medicare drugs program is so confusing and ineffective it should be tossed out (along with Bush-fuck)

This week there have been multiple incidents around the country where young college women have been brutally murdered. Bombs are exploding in time square. We are still fighting a war for no apparent reason. People are dying!!!! What the fuck is going on?

I wanted to choke this fucking bitch that works at the local grocery store. I hate being in her line and will usually avoid it. Yesterday she was tending the 10 items or less line and I was in a hurry. She always has this phony plastic I'm better than you smile on her fucking face. It makes me want to punch her. She also wears this gold cross necklace outside her top/shirt/sweater for everyone to see. So, I'm in her line at the counter. Outside there is a homeless person with a cardboard sign asking for help. Any compassion from cunt face? Hell friggen no. She says "what a loser. He's probably on drugs you know? He should go get a job!" Now if you have read my previous post (http://jaketitus.blogspot.com/2008/02/my-bad.html) you know how I feel about this. With this economy wouldn't it be fitting to see her heartless ass out there, next week, asking for a small amount of kindness or understanding from someone?

Jake