I'm Back With A Vengeance

Alright, I'm back. It's been such a crazy week and a half. I'm going to spew quite a bit of crap out. If it appears that I am jumping around like an epileptic at a square dance, I apologise in advance.

Let me begin by thanking all of you for the concern and kind words. I greatly appreciate it.

In brief summary of last week, my Grandfather died. Sad news yes, but it didn't bring me to any form of incapacitation. I had only seen him a few times in the last twenty years. I'll save my childhood memories for a later post. No funeral was planned just a memorial. I have not, an most likely will not be invited. I will remember him and celebrate his life privately in my own way.

In the days after his death I found myself putting a great deal of thought in the whole "Death" thing. In my mind I actually constructed a great blog post about the subject. I wrote it, read it, edited it, and re-wrote it several times in my head. It was amazing. When the time came to transfer the words from the grey matter to the computer, it occurred to me. It was pretty fucking bleak and dark. Well written yes, but frankly it was depressing as hell. So, I elected to keep it up top. Maybe someday I will let it out. For now. . . .I'll wait.


With all of my introspective assessment and vain attempts at self analyzation I have not found the key to happiness. I did find an old rusty lock where the fucking thing must go, but *hmmmpph*, no damn key. . . .I'll keep looking.

Last week I outed myself a bit. I was in a strange mood and needed to give some of me, to all of you. I have been considering it for quite some time. To tell you the truth, my job will provide a lot of entertaining material for the blog. I also rambled about my pre-blog research. I'm weird like that. I like to know about "things" before I commit involvement. So if I sound like a wacko for reading "Blogging for Beginners" lists. . . . Take a good look at this. . . .

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, outing myself and "honesty". My decision to use a pseudo name was simple. Anonymity is essential for my career. Besides I think there is something kinda cool about the whole superhero "other" name thing. By the way, the answer is "No"! I don't have bright red body suit with a fire hydrant blazoned across my chest; fucking smart ass. . . . . .

It's actually black with a big "J".

Considering that my "family" has all but vanished. Save the intermittent "Hey, guess who died" call. Here is the "major change" I have decided to pursue. I am going to change my last name. Not my fake Superhero last name, but my real life last name. Having no real connection to the "Wacko Clan", I'm going to drop the Fuckerville Step Dad name in lieu of my biological fathers surname. Mrs. T is ecstatic since she hates the "Now" name and loves the "Birth" name. A new life starting with my old name. I feel good about it.

Anyway campers, it's nice to be back. See you all again tomorrow night. I'll catch up on all of your blogs around lunchtime.

Jake

In Need Of Preventive Maintenance

I am fucking tired. I am worn-the-fuck out and need a break. Since April the first until today, work has kept me from home for twenty-one days. The few days that I have had off have been filled with errands and miscellaneous "honey-do" projects. I will be home tomorrow morning. I am scheduled to return to the office on Tuesday. The truth is; and I can tell you right now, that is not happening. If I "hypothetically" were to get sick Monday night and miss work on Tuesday and Wednesday, I wouldn't have to return to the office until the following Monday. Complicated, I know. If you don't ask, I won't have to explain. In addition, Mrs. Titus is considering a trip to Alaska that would have her leaving on the 5th. So, Simply put, I am looking down the barrel of a nine day vacation. Jake can to do "whatever"!!! Should I pull the trigger? Here is a partial, running list of activities I hope to enjoy.

1. Sleeping in at least one day.
2. Passing out at least on night.
3. Playing a round of golf.
4. Seeing a baseball game. Either the A's or Giants. . .it doesn't matter.
5. Visiting Skid Jones in Sac.
6. Smoking "several" cigars.
7. Fixing the Roadking.
8. A possible Sopranos marathon.
9. A beach day.
10. Spontaneous poker night with guys from the "old branch".
11. Getting Mrs. Titus's truck detailed.
12. Get my property taxes lowered.
13. Getting all the crap in my "ebay sell pile" photographed and put online. (hey, that could make a great blog post.)
14. Did I say "sleeping in"?
15. Surprising Mrs. T by finishing all the painting in the upstairs part of the "Titus Pad".
16. Mass TIVO catch up session.
17. Reno road trip? Hhhhhmmmmmm. . . maybe if the Roadking comes back to life.
18. Get my left sleeve started in Oakland.
19. Oh yeah, Blog my ass off!!!!

Well, that's a start. Anyone have any suggestions? I would love the input.

See ya this weekend. Oh wait, you all have lives. O.K. see ya on Monday

Jake

Kind of like Linda Blair. . . .

The profession I love and the life I live have taken their toll. I won't bore you with the list of my injuries. But venture to say between work, travel, snowboarding, and wreckless debauchery, my body has been beat up pretty bad. I'm not complaining at all. I have had a wonderful life and do not intend to slow down. Three years ago I sustained a pretty significant head and neck injury at work. Since that time I have had headaches and neck pain almost daily. As I said, I don't intend to slow down. Traditional treatments have not worked. Traditional medicines have not worked. Last year they diagnosed be with degenerative spinal arthritis. The doctors say I have to give up some of what I love. I don't think I'm ready for that. I quit going to the doctor and quit taking all of their damn pills. Two weeks ago I started seeing a Chiropractor. I'm not sure if it is helping, but I'm being patient. My first visit with him fucking freaked me out. I was sitting in a high backed chair and he was behind me. He had my head in his hands and was slowly rocking my head in a round and round, side to side kind of way. We were bullshitting about useless shit when; without warning, he snaps my head to the left!!!!! I swear to god it sounded like a fucking water buffalo fell into a dumpster full of Doritos. He kind of laughed and said "Oh sorry, I should have warned you. The popping noises can be kind of loud." I replied "No shit? Ya think?" After nearly twisting my head off too the right side, I went home. I have to say, I had a good three days of no pain. I have gone back again with similar results. I am due to go back again on Monday morning. I feel like a crack addict looking for a fix! I hope this doesn't become a "must have" life long answer. I'm considering other options as well. I may look at acupuncture, acupressure, or maybe even 420 therapies. Who knows?

A new look at an old problem.

Over the past year or so, I have had an issue with "friendship." I have found myself having to redefine what I believe friendship to be, convincing myself that my new concepts are valid, and put those ideas into action. The ideas of friendship that I believed in as a younger man, no longer seem to be valid as applied to my life and ideals today. Looking back, my relationships have been grossly imbalanced. People that I have consider friends have continually let me down. I discovered recently that I was committed to people / friends that weren't committing the same in return. So I had to ask myself if these people were really friends to begin with.

Let me begin by explaining to all of you that I have many acquaintances but very few close friends. I still tend to be more comfortable in small groups than I do in crowds. I tend to follow / join conversations rather than initiate them. It is comfortable for me, and I am happy that way.

As the years have gone by, I have lost touch with almost all of the people I new as a child and young man. To be honest, it was not due to my lack of trying. Every year or so I would call the few close friends from my past to catch up. The conversations were pleasant. We would say things like "we need to stay in touch" and "let’s get together soon." I knew all along that this was not going to happen. Year after year, I would initiate the calls and get none in return. I really was pathetic. I have been trying to hold onto bits of my past while life has been passing me by.

Several events have changed my thoughts and outlooks on friendships. The first major one has been the distance I have placed between my family and me. As a victim of abuse, this separation has given me a kind of new found strength. Secondly, by placing myself into comfortable situations, I have discovered people putting themselves out there and showing interest in me as a person. To be honest, this is scary. Establishing trust and learning about new people in intriguing and exciting. It is also daunting and intimidating. The third event came unexpectedly, just after New Years. A friend from high school called me on the phone. We had been playing phone tag for several weeks when he finally reached me on my cell phone. We talked for about twenty minutes. It was one of the most genuine talks I had had in a very long time. Life has really beaten him down, and it sounds like he in a very bad place in his life. He told me he is floundering and just can't seem to find a new direction. We discussed growing up in "Fuckerville". I sincerely thanked him for his friendship when we were young. He was really the only person that talked me up when the rest of the world was taking turns kicking me in the balls and beating me down. That’s what I told him, almost verbatim. He thanked me in return and said “That means a lot to hear, I wish I hadn't lost touch with you." Unlike past phony plastic phone calls, it felt genuine to hear "let’s get together." I discovered that he has a blog. I read it regularly. His blog was one of the inspirations to begin mine. Someday I will share this with him.

Jake

Misc. . . Thanks

Some time ago I listen to an interview of a musician. I don’t recall who it was, but I do remember one particular question. The interviewer asked the artist about the meaning of a particular song. The song writer would not answer the question as the interviewer had hoped, but rather gave the following explanation.

“It is not up to me to determine what this song is about or what it means. That is really up to the person that is listening to my music. I would be doing a greater disservice to my fans if I told them what this music should mean to them. It is their music, not mine; I mean really. If you want to know what was going on in my life when I wrote this, well that’s a different question all together.”

I have grown to appreciate this. Through out my life, music has been very important to me. Being an introvert as a child, music became an escape from a lot of the bad things going on around me. Music has meant different things to me at different stages in my life. Tonight I was on the treadmill in the gym and I had my ipod on. Now I have heard the song Gimme Shelter by the Stones hundreds and hundreds of times. Tonight though, a particular line struck a chord with me unlike any other time in the past.

“Oh, a storm is threat'ning

My very life today

If I don't get some shelter

Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away”

In the past I always thought of this song as some impassioned anti-war song. But tonight, these four lines took on a whole new meaning. I found myself relating the lyrics to how I feel in my life today. Emotionally, right now, there is a storm raging above me that seems to have no end. Shelter, closure, healing. . . I need something to make this hole in the middle of “me” disappear. For the future “me” to be the best I can, I need this. So Mick thanks for the song.

Music hasn’t been my only escape in life. Books, stories, movies, all are great means of escape. A couple chapters a night or a 100 minute flick have become great therapy. On a side note, lately I enjoy hearing great stories of other people parents/childhood. I guess my demented mind enjoys living vicariously through others. Shit, I should really see a therapist. Thanks for everything Mom. Was it worth it?

Several months ago I was in the grocery store. For reasons I still don’t understand, I struck up a conversation with this silver haired old woman. Her name is Bonnie. She has to be one of the nicest people that I have met recently. We really didn’t talk about much of anything important. It was just small talk bullshit kind of stuff. I was just impressed on how she carried herself and how genuinely kind and happy she was. Fast forward to yesterday. I’m in the grocery store, and who should I see? There was Bonnie. She smile at me said “hello Jake”, and gave me a hug. Christ, she remembered my name! It made me smile. Thank you Bonnie I really needed that.

Jake