"I'll Have The Pretzel Please...Yes, With Extra Pain"

If any of you out there are missing your Romanian interrogation expert you can put your mind at ease. I found him. I had another massage this week. This is like the eighth time I have been to see this guy. For the record, these massages offer none of the following...

• Tranquil music that would make Yanni and Kenny G feel gay.
• Candles; like in the intro to Kung-Fu.
• A girl named Ling'.
• Cucumbers on the eyes or green tea callus paste.
• Reach arounds or happy endings.
• Martinis with lemon wedges
• foot, hand, or temple rubs.

These sessions last about thirty minutes. This guy is so frigging' rough that I have left bruised, sweaty, and nauseated. O.K. that did sound kind of gay but it's not what you think. In spite of having a degenerative spine, the last six weeks or so have been great. Between sessions my pain occurs half as much and is half as bad. But, these massages are truly painful.

At the last session with Boris*, tears actually formed at the corners of my eyes. Sensing my discomfort, Conan laughed and backed off a bit. But I have to admit. Since then I have had more pain than normal. I guess that I need to leave my Care Bear and Crayons at home and be a man next time.

Jake


*I considered calling him Vlad the Impaler but that really sounded gay!

Kind of like Linda Blair. . . .

The profession I love and the life I live have taken their toll. I won't bore you with the list of my injuries. But venture to say between work, travel, snowboarding, and wreckless debauchery, my body has been beat up pretty bad. I'm not complaining at all. I have had a wonderful life and do not intend to slow down. Three years ago I sustained a pretty significant head and neck injury at work. Since that time I have had headaches and neck pain almost daily. As I said, I don't intend to slow down. Traditional treatments have not worked. Traditional medicines have not worked. Last year they diagnosed be with degenerative spinal arthritis. The doctors say I have to give up some of what I love. I don't think I'm ready for that. I quit going to the doctor and quit taking all of their damn pills. Two weeks ago I started seeing a Chiropractor. I'm not sure if it is helping, but I'm being patient. My first visit with him fucking freaked me out. I was sitting in a high backed chair and he was behind me. He had my head in his hands and was slowly rocking my head in a round and round, side to side kind of way. We were bullshitting about useless shit when; without warning, he snaps my head to the left!!!!! I swear to god it sounded like a fucking water buffalo fell into a dumpster full of Doritos. He kind of laughed and said "Oh sorry, I should have warned you. The popping noises can be kind of loud." I replied "No shit? Ya think?" After nearly twisting my head off too the right side, I went home. I have to say, I had a good three days of no pain. I have gone back again with similar results. I am due to go back again on Monday morning. I feel like a crack addict looking for a fix! I hope this doesn't become a "must have" life long answer. I'm considering other options as well. I may look at acupuncture, acupressure, or maybe even 420 therapies. Who knows?

Breathe Jake, Breathe.

I have a million ideas and thoughts spinning around inside my head right now. I'm thinking about so much stuff that it's hard to concentrate. It feels like there are huge speakers on each side of my head. Each one is blasting random shit at 800 decibels.

It's amazing that even with everything I have on my plate and my mind, I have nothing to really write about. I've combed the news, read lists of posting ideas, and lurked around others blogs for a good part of the day. It hasn't helped.

I wanted to write about Brett Favre, Patrick Swayze, and John Ritter but honestly I don't have it in me at the moment.

Each day I grow more frustrated and angry with how bad the economy is. Peoples lives are falling apart and we have a fuckstick in office that didn't know gas will soon cost $4.00 a gallon.

The elderly; many of whom don't understand how a calculator or computer works, are expected to navigate their way through our broken medical system. The new medicare drugs program is so confusing and ineffective it should be tossed out (along with Bush-fuck)

This week there have been multiple incidents around the country where young college women have been brutally murdered. Bombs are exploding in time square. We are still fighting a war for no apparent reason. People are dying!!!! What the fuck is going on?

I wanted to choke this fucking bitch that works at the local grocery store. I hate being in her line and will usually avoid it. Yesterday she was tending the 10 items or less line and I was in a hurry. She always has this phony plastic I'm better than you smile on her fucking face. It makes me want to punch her. She also wears this gold cross necklace outside her top/shirt/sweater for everyone to see. So, I'm in her line at the counter. Outside there is a homeless person with a cardboard sign asking for help. Any compassion from cunt face? Hell friggen no. She says "what a loser. He's probably on drugs you know? He should go get a job!" Now if you have read my previous post (http://jaketitus.blogspot.com/2008/02/my-bad.html) you know how I feel about this. With this economy wouldn't it be fitting to see her heartless ass out there, next week, asking for a small amount of kindness or understanding from someone?

Jake

Grandma

My wife’s grandmother will turn 80 soon. She is a sweet, kind, happy, and giving person. I first met her about eleven years ago. She has treated me like family from day one. As I see it, she is more family to me than the one that I was born into. Until recently she has been independent and active. I appreciate her. Even the days when her requests seem ridicules or her stories don't quite make sense, I appreciate her. Since November her health has declined. The once independent and strong willed woman that I knew has been replaced by someone else. She has become feeble and weak. Her memory is less than sharp. She suffers random pains that often keep her confined to bed. For several months she had a private apartment in a senior assisted living facility. Two weeks ago that changed. We realized that her confusion and memory lapses were becoming more pronounced. Sometimes she forgot to take her medicine. Other times she took too much. Her appetite diminished and she lost weight. We knew she could no longer live on her own and a rest home was out of the question. We took her home with us. Everyone said we were brave for taking on her care. We saw no other option and insisted she be with us. They were right. It has been difficult and all consuming of our time. Last week she began having periods of unresponsiveness. The doctors admitted her to the hospital. Test after test has failed to pinpoint what is wrong. We have been frustrated with the situation and the system. Last night we had a breakthrough. It did not come from a doctor but from my wife. A new medicine prescribed last November for Alzheimer’s. The timeline matched the onset of symptoms. The internet gave us an extensive list of side-affects. They matched her complaints and symptoms. We stopped the medication. Her condition has improved ten-fold in the last 24 hours. WTF, don't doctors make enough to figure this shit out? She has a cardiologist, internist, gastrointestinal specialist, and case manager. Who figured it out? It wasn't an expert but a Freelance Graphic Designer. So, Grandma is back. Her memory may decline over time but she is comfortable and happy. I know it will be hard when she forgets our names or no longer knows where she is. I don't look forward to that day but at least she is not suffering.

Spam heros.

Today alone, 79 emails arrived in my bulk emailbox. Looking through them I learned ten very important things about myself. Let me share them with you.

1. My penis is too small.

2. My penis no longer gets hard.

3. I suffer a great deal of pain.

4. I cum to fast.

5. There is an online pharmacy that will take care of numbers 1-4. (No physical required!!!)

6. I need a new watch and apparently a replica will do just fine.

7. My shoes aren't worth a shit, but never fear because Johnny Arelene can get me new designer ones for 60% off. Thanks Johnny!!!

8. There are aggressive stock traders hunting me down and I should beware.

9. My mortgage sucks.

10. Nembe'; a close friend in Africa that I wasn't aware of, wants to share a $100,000 inheritance with me if I pay a $100 transfer fee for him.

I love the internet. Where would I be in life if all of these fine individuals weren’t looking out for me?

I broke myself!

Yes, you fucking heard what I said. I think I broke myself. No, it wasn't below the waist. I was eating dinner last night and dislocated my friggen' jaw! I know, weird isn't it! No warning, no fall, no blindsided punch to the face, I just bit it to a baby red potato and WAMMO! You would not believe how much it fucking hurt. For about 15 seconds I couldn't close my mouth. I just sat there in shock with mashed up potato falling out of my mouth onto my lap. Eventually I was able to get my jaw closed. Ice and Tylenol helped but I've been pretty sore all day. Two drunken' bar fights in my life, countless snowboard / skiing crashes, and a rollover on the freeway, NOTHING. Now I'm brought down by a piping hot side dish. I just don't get it, what the fuck?