Two incidents have now occurred in the last week that I just cannot let go. With the weather getting warmer here in Cali I fear that these incidents might become more frequent. In my opinion, men wearing nut hugger speedos, is not acceptable.
The first incident occurred way to close to home. My neighbor (lets call him Tony) and his wife just got back from a vacation in the Virgin Islands. Mrs. Titus and I accepted an invitation to go to their house to see vacation pictures. Now normally I would have cut my own throat and lit my hair on fire in response to such an invitation. This situation was different because they are really fun people that; like me, drink like fish.
This will help paint a more vivid image for you. With the help of modern technology we were viewing said pictures on Tony's big screen TV. Now, all is going well for the first five minutes or so. "Here we are . . . blah blah blah. Here I am at . . . blah blah blah." As you can imagine, a typical boring vacation montage.
Without warning, Blam!!! Before my eyes is a big screen hi-def shot of Tony. He's sunning himself on the beach in a white ball choking banana hammock. WTF!!! I just about shot stout out my fucking nose. There has to be some sort of breach of etiquette here. I'll give Tony a small amount of leeway here as he is from Europe. But really, what the fuck?" Like parental warnings that precede a major motion picture. Can you give me some preemptive warning here? To make matters worse, Tony is not a manscaping kind of guy. Again, he's from Europe. Now normally I don't care how or if another dude grooms. I swear it looked like he had a Pomeranian stuffed in his Lycra Man-Thong. Night ruined! Aside from the disturbing imagery burned into my cerebral cortex, let me tell you that Guinness in your sinuses fucking burns.
The second incident happened this afternoon. I was driving around town on errands. It's hot today. The temperature is in the low eighties with no wind to speak of. Without warning and without shame (on his part) I see him. A wrinkled up guy in his 70's. He's in the front of his house that is on a busy city street. He's washing his car wearing flip flops and a baby blue speedo. Uuugggghhhhhh. I verped and nearly crashed the shit box into a light pole. Now apparently this guy isn't a bologna bag amateur. His skin looks like burnt orange leather. He's been doing this a while. I wanted to go kick his neighbors teeth in for never cluing him in.
So dudes, if your ever feel so inclined to throw on one of these testicle trapeze nets, please think twice. Unless you're going to win a medal in the fucking Olympics I don't feel it's a wise move. Let me go on public record with the following promise to all of you. Should I ever see Tony washing the Volvo with his "Caack-n-Boools" hanging out. I will set him straight.
