Well Hello There!!!

O.K. three weeks is enough, I know! These last few weeks truly have me stumped. One would think that with everything going on in the world that I could muster some inspiration to write. Not so! I have wanted to write about a ton of subjects but have been unable to piece more than two words together. "Fuck It" is the extent of my creativity. So let me throw out some random shit and see where it takes me.

1. I saw Lewis Black in concert. He said "Fuck" or one of its many off shoots, 257 times. It was fucking brilliant.


2. Women's beach volleyball is my new favorite sport. Well, at least until football season starts. (I haven't totally lost my mind.)


3. When did Ping Pong and Badminton become sports and Baseball and Softball not? Have the Olympic Muckity Mucks lost there fucking minds?


4. Horse doping in the Olympics??? What's next, a corked balance beam scandal?


5. When you tell a cab driver the address that you need to get to, they should never say "I am not knowing where dat iz!" Look, there's a thing called GPS, buy one!


6. How did McCain score a milf with such bad teeth?


7. My brother is still a dick.


8. This is the most honest obituary. . . . . . . ever!

My neck hurts, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Jake

Truth In Advertising

At the bar the other night I noticed the sales pitch for Souza Tequila. There motto is drink Souza and "get lost". It's refreshing to see some truth in advertising. I have been "lost" and drunk on "cactus juice" way to many times. Maybe some other advertisers should learn from the honest folks at Souza.

1. "Your wallet is in good hands, with Allstate."
2. "United Airlines, because you’re only other option is Greyhound. Now sit down and shut the fuck up!"
3. "Let's face it, your wife is ugly. So for you, it’s Viagra."
4. "Budweiser, the king of beers you cheap motherfucker."
5. "You need Enzyte. Because the mailman as a bigger dick than you."
6. "Ford Trucks, we'll see you at the shop, bring your checkbook."
7. "The US Army, an Army of One, because everyone else you grew up with went to college."
8. "If you want to waste six hours on the weekend and pull your hair out at the root, come to the Home Depot."
9. "Nascar, yes it's retarded but it's O.K. to watch it for the crashes."

Gee, I could go on like this all day.
Jake

Random Observations

I'm back. In a previous post "I broke myself", I discussed my jaw. Well, it happened again on Superbowl Sunday. This time, a trip to the dentist was required. The diagnosis "a charley horse to my face"! I'm not shitting! Apparently I had a cramp to the facial muscles on the left side of my face that was so severe, it pulled my jaw to the side dislocating it. So, since last Sunday it's been soft food and Valium. But as I said, I'm back now. So while I was off recovering, I made a few random observations.

1. Hot dogs are just bologna shaped like a dick.

2. Who thought up the word yogurt? It sounds like something I cough up when I have bronchitis.

3. Why do some (grown) women adorn the rear widow area of there car with stuffed animals. Do they fear covering up the Cinderella bed spread that they have at home? Please, grow up.

4. Turn signals come standard on every car sold in America. To the asshole that turned into Starbucks this morning, please remember that. And by the way "fuck you". Don't honk at me, you were in the wrong.

5. Where is it? A very bright friend of mine always seems to end our debates (disagreements) with "well that’s neither here nor there!" Well then smart guy, where the fuck is it?

Jake

Monkeys, thumbs, and de-evolution.

I like monkeys. I think that monkeys are pretty cool. Over the past two years or so I have been exposed to monkeys more often than the previous several years. Here are some of the reasons; that I feel, being a monkey would be cool.

Reason number one: Sleeping. Monkeys sleep a lot. I would assume it's because they don't have jobs or alarm clocks. I have both and never seem to get enough sleep.

Reason number two: Public ball scratching, public pissing, and public masturbation. I know what you’re going to say “Jake nothing is preventing you from doing that as a person." Your right, but my point is that people have hang ups about these acts and monkeys don't give a fuck!

And finally the third and in my opinion the greatest reason that being a monkey would rule. . . . . you get to throw shit at people when they piss you off or invade you space. Again, "people do that also Jake!" My retort, only if you’re up state doing time in the local penitentiary. Well, I'm not willing to be someone’s cell bitch just so I can enjoy a little turd tossing.

Upon looking at this idea in more depth I actually believe the problem is "opposing digits!" Yes folks we have thumbs, and it's fucked everything up. Track back any human shortcoming or flaw and ultimately you will wind up blaming it on our fucking thumbs. So really, maybe we de-evolved and the monkey's are above us on the evolutionary chain. Now don't get all snippy and pissed at me. Don't pull out the "our brains are bigger and more advance" crap. Watch 5 minutes of any Jerry Springer show or Jim Carey movie and that theory gets shot right the fuck down!
Jake

I have and Idea!

I think that I need to listen more, think more, and talk less.
Jake

Gadget Guy

I have come to realize that in the last few years I have become a Technology Whore.

There was a period in my life when the title "Minimalist", fit me perfectly. I had a 19" TV with a wire hanger/tinfoil antenna. I did not own a VCR or a video game console. I slept on a futon in a studio apartment. I had a decent home stereo that sat on top of a simple wooden box. I did not own a car stereo, cell phone, or watch. Home computers were not common household fixtures. It was the early nineties and life was pleasantly simple.

Life as I know it now, would be a bitch without. . .

My computer
The Internet and email
My iphone
A big ass flat screen DLP television
NFL Sunday Ticket
TIVO
Remote Controls
A Gas Fireplace
My ipod
A Dishwasher
The Rabbit Wine Opener
Over sized heads on golf clubs and draw technology
Lightweight snowboarding equipment
Fleece
Nose hair trimmers
ETC..........

The list is endless.

The talking heads were onto something when they asked "well how did I get here?" That is how I feel sometimes when I look at all of the shit that is considered "essential."

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.

Jake

The Bike Guy

Today I saw something that I do not understand. A grown man in his late forties riding a kids BMX style bike down the street. My brain would never, under ANY conceivable circumstance, see that as a better option than walking. I mean "really". . . Well o.k. maybe with plastic handlebar tassels and a 7 of diamonds in the spokes. But short of that, my pride would just have to say NO!