Friday, February 1, 2008

Monkeys, thumbs, and de-evolution.

I like monkeys. I think that monkeys are pretty cool. Over the past two years or so I have been exposed to monkeys more often than the previous several years. Here are some of the reasons; that I feel, being a monkey would be cool.

Reason number one: Sleeping. Monkeys sleep a lot. I would assume it's because they don't have jobs or alarm clocks. I have both and never seem to get enough sleep.

Reason number two: Public ball scratching, public pissing, and public masturbation. I know what you’re going to say “Jake nothing is preventing you from doing that as a person." Your right, but my point is that people have hang ups about these acts and monkeys don't give a fuck!

And finally the third and in my opinion the greatest reason that being a monkey would rule. . . . . you get to throw shit at people when they piss you off or invade you space. Again, "people do that also Jake!" My retort, only if you’re up state doing time in the local penitentiary. Well, I'm not willing to be someone’s cell bitch just so I can enjoy a little turd tossing.

Upon looking at this idea in more depth I actually believe the problem is "opposing digits!" Yes folks we have thumbs, and it's fucked everything up. Track back any human shortcoming or flaw and ultimately you will wind up blaming it on our fucking thumbs. So really, maybe we de-evolved and the monkey's are above us on the evolutionary chain. Now don't get all snippy and pissed at me. Don't pull out the "our brains are bigger and more advance" crap. Watch 5 minutes of any Jerry Springer show or Jim Carey movie and that theory gets shot right the fuck down!

2 Beer Farts:

about jenji said...

"opposing digits"

A curious Darwinian process of sustaining one's species; of natural selection.

Once the mass extinctions of the Cretaceous period were over what we were to do? Remain nocturnal rodents with an incredible ability to remain snuggly and insulated throughout a historic, great freeze?

Big deal. I say, grow some goddamn thumbs!

Yet you're right, we've been cursed by our thumbs and fixed, Freudian style for ages; fixed in the anal period, wherein most humans waste precious time by sitting around with a their thumbs up their own asses. It's kind of a self-fullfilling prophecy, this whole digit business.

"You've survived extinction and sprouted thumbs, now what're you going to to do human? How do you plan to better the world?"

"Ummmmm, yeah...I was thinking of sitting around with my thumb up my ass.."

But I must say, if you're hellbent on "turd tossing" one day, you have my full support. I'm totally in.

great post.

be well,


Jake Titus said...

Damn. Your right! What would I do when I bored out of my mind? "Thumb up my ass" sounds much better than "middle finger up my ass". Maybe I'll re-think the whole monkey idea and stick with the "how to become the invisible man" plan.