Yo!

Hi,

Yes I'm still alive.

Teaching has really taken on a life of it's own. Started my own business around consultation and teaching disaster preparedness.

College thing went from an occasional gig to them asking for a significant commitment.

Real job.......super busy.

Employer blocked Blogspot making my postings much more difficult.

Still taking it in the shorts on my real estate investments.

Still paying way to much child support. (Translates too... "My daughters Mom drives a new Lexus".....bitch!!!)

My brother Richard is still a dick.

I still love beer but my gut doesn't so I've cut back a bit.

Contemplating accepting a position working with a local labor organization for some real mental torture on the side.

Seeing Dave Attell in concert next month (can't wait!!!)

Mrs. Titus is still in school.

Daughter Titus turned 18. Help me please!!!!

Son Titus is in last year of college and just lit his apartment on fire. (I swear!!!)

Can't wait until tomorrows ceremony in DC!!!

Spread a little thin to be honest but I think I need it in order to figure out who I really am and what I'm made of.

Hope you are all doing well.

I'll be back on track soon

Jake

Hola!

H-N-Y!!!!

Where am I?

Lost.

Wow

Great day! What can I say?

I Have Sports On My Mind.

I had convinced myself that I was not going to watch the Olympics this year. I have no rational explanation as to why. I just wasn't feeling it; or so I thought. Truth be told I just couldn't get into baseball this year. With work and school being such a drain on my free time I just couldn't follow it with my normal fervent passion. So when the Olympics did come around I found myself getting sucked in on a daily basis. As you all know there was about a billion hours of sports broadcast from Beijing. I think I watched about 3/4 of what they threw on the T.V. But that raised a lot of questions. I mean who the fuck is picking the sports? Are they just making shit up and calling it sport? I think so. Look, I don't think people jumping fences on horseback is a sport. You could call it a competition but not a sport. They are dropping baseball and softball because they claim it lacks "worldwide appeal"". WTF??? Is it our fault that Belize and East Temor only have two athletes going to the games? NO!!!! Last I checked Women's Handball isn't even on the fucking ESPN ticker. So I put a great deal of thought into fixing the IOC's mess. Here is my plan. I feel that each country that chooses to participate in the Olympics should send 150 of there best athletes. But here is the kicker. No one knows what event they are going to compete in until the first day. Randomly draw names and sports from a hat and send the athletes on their way. Imagine the potential match-ups?

Greco-Roman-Wrestling

Finch, May, & Walsh vs the Italians Synchronized Swimmers

Can you IMAGINE???

How about. . .

Bustos on the balance beam!


Rulon on the springboard diving

That would be some funny shit, I'm telling you!



How about Leryn-Franco going for gold in Mirror Fondling.


O.K. I know that's not a sport. . . . but it should be. I can guaran-fucking-tee it would gain world wide appeal.

So that is my suggestion to the dumb fuckers at the IOC. If they did that, I would use my friggen TIVO to catch the remaining 1/4 of a billion hours.

Jake


p.s. Thank fucking god football starts this week.

Well Hello There!!!

O.K. three weeks is enough, I know! These last few weeks truly have me stumped. One would think that with everything going on in the world that I could muster some inspiration to write. Not so! I have wanted to write about a ton of subjects but have been unable to piece more than two words together. "Fuck It" is the extent of my creativity. So let me throw out some random shit and see where it takes me.

1. I saw Lewis Black in concert. He said "Fuck" or one of its many off shoots, 257 times. It was fucking brilliant.


2. Women's beach volleyball is my new favorite sport. Well, at least until football season starts. (I haven't totally lost my mind.)


3. When did Ping Pong and Badminton become sports and Baseball and Softball not? Have the Olympic Muckity Mucks lost there fucking minds?


4. Horse doping in the Olympics??? What's next, a corked balance beam scandal?


5. When you tell a cab driver the address that you need to get to, they should never say "I am not knowing where dat iz!" Look, there's a thing called GPS, buy one!


6. How did McCain score a milf with such bad teeth?


7. My brother is still a dick.


8. This is the most honest obituary. . . . . . . ever!

My neck hurts, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Jake

Shark Week

As you might Imagine Bucky and Gordo have much different taste in television shows than I do. They tend to watch shows containing war, race cars, and asshole right wing news broadcasters. Last night at the firehouse I found myself watching a "Shark Week" show on the Discovery Channel with said half witted co-workers. Now on this program the apparently intelligent shark gurus were trying to figure out how to make sharks attack them. I know! Stick with me on this. They were doing this by getting in the water and doing shit to entice the sharks to attack. Things like wave a dead fish on a spear, pretend to be a seal, and float around on a surfboard and splash. Yeah, these are the experts! I was dumbfounded as to why the fuck these nimrods were doing this. You don't see bomb squad guys doing shit to see what it takes to blow there hand off do you? I assume in any case there is a logical sequence of events that would lead someone to form a reasonable idea as to what causes bad shit to happen. You don't need to prove to me that sharks like a bloody leg and that an M80 will blow your nuts off! Then it got really strange. At the end of a commercial break as the show was about to start, a voice said the following.

"These are highly trained professionals do not attempt this at home."

WTF? Is it a nation wide epidemic that folks are keeping great white sharks in there back yard? Look numbnuts If sharks are knocking on my front door like some 1970's Saturday Night Live re-run then I have bigger things to worry about.


Like maybe the fact that the Pacific Ocean moved a mile and a half inland. The only thing that I learned by watching that show is that either the folks at the Discovery Channel are idiots, or that they think we are. Then I looked over and saw the wonder twins totally captivated with there mouths hanging open. You could have walked over and kicked them in the head and they would have been oblivious. Maybe I shouldn't second guess the marketing guys at the network after all.

Elvis Has Left The Building.

Yes, the King is gone. My Road King sold today for the full asking price. It's bitter sweet. I loved the Harley but with a bad neck I found that I just couldn't do it any more. With the money I plan on enjoying some other activities. Mrs. T and I are looking to get a small trailer and camp a little more often. My crikety ass can't handle ground/tent camping. So hopefully the trailer will allow us to continue to enjoy the outdoors.

I had a great weekend as well. The beach-beer-fest was great. Might I suggest to all of you, "put sunscreen on your legs as well." I'm as red as my former "Road King" from the mid-thigh down.

The apathy has passed.

Hope you are all doing well.


Jake

Beach Day

Today is Beach / Beer day. Enjoy your weekend everyone.

Jakeathetic

Apathetic; Adj. Ap-a-thet-ic

1. Having or showing little or no emotion: apathetic behavior.
2. Not interested or concerned; indifferent or unresponsive: an apathetic audience.
3. Also see Jakeathetic...

Welcome to my reality. This is the funk that I find myself in. It has been twelve days since my last post. Each day that has gone by I have told myself to get on and write. But strangely I have had no energy to do much of anything. Work has been extremely busy. I think that that has been the greatest contributor to my exhaustion. Add to that the classes that I have been taking and the fact that I am a husband, dad, gardener, mechanic, handy man, drink maker, cook, and over all house man-whore. Understandably I have become a completely lethargic couch turd. I have lost touch with current events, sports, my blog mates, and reality TV. For fucks sake I haven’t had the time or energy to drink beer! How fucking pathetic can a guy be? Maybe there is something to be said for “Crank” after all. Because I’ll tell you one thing if I have one more cup from Starbucks, it’s going to eat a four-inch hole in the bottom of my stomach. Which will really suck because I’m sure that I will be too lazy to get my ass out of bed to go to the E.R. I took this photograph on the fourth of July.

Clearly Harry has more motivation than I do. Hell, look at the work he put into his sign! Two color print on custom stock. He even did a spell check for Christ’s sake! “Woe is me. The homeless have become more productive than I.” WTF!!! Now if you’ll excuse me I need to roll over. I’d hate to get a recliner sore on my ass.

Jake

I'm Beat

Happy weekend everyone. Goodnight.

Words. . .

Words can be powerful. The more that I write the more I believe this. A few days ago in casual conversation, a guy that I know (not a friend might I add) used a word disparaging African Americans. I was shocked. The look that I gave him must have spoken volumes. I’m sure that my turning and walking away gave him a clue as well. A short time later he approached me and said the following…

“You know, that wasn’t right of me to say that. I should have used “N-word “ instead of actually saying the word.”

“You’re an idiot!” was my response. And I again walked away.

This whole interaction really got me thinking. As I see it, substituting an abbreviation or another word for an offensive statement is fucking stupid. It does absolutely nothing to remove the hate or ignorance from the original utterance.

We need to change people’s way of thinking, not their vocabulary. Frankly I hate the word itself and any lame attempt to soften it or make a PC substitution. Am I off base here? Maybe I need a Prozac regime?

I mean WTF??? I’ve never said…

“…What was that Wetback thinking? Oh sorry, I should have said, “W-word.” But it’s OK, I have friends who are Mexican.”

See, it’s fucking stupid. No other word that is offensive to rational people gets this letter substitution bullshit! Why? Because it's complete idiocy!

Gay men and Lesbians aren’t “Q-words and D-words” they are people.
Asian people aren’t “G-words” they are human.
White people aren’t “C-words”. . .
Irish people aren’t “M-words”. . .
Polish people aren’t “W-words”. . .
Women aren’t “B-words or H-words”. . .

And please don't assume that I am downplaying bigotry towards those groups because I am not. Hatred is hatred it's as simple as that.

The poet Gordon Sumner said it well.

I don't want to bring a sour note
Remember this before you vote
We can all sink or we all float
'Cos we're all in the same big boat

One world is enough
For all of us

So, to all of you short minded people out there weather you are in bread, ignorant, or just and idiot…(sorry, maybe I should have used the “I-word”. . .)

Go “F-word” yourself!!!

Infamy???

Family's like him...

The School Board likes him...

Kids fucking love him!!!!!



Golfers...



Green keepers...



Snobs...



Slobs...



Yuppies...



Hippies...



The English...



and the French....

*Snip* *buzzzzzzzzz* *snip*

You Don't Have to Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here!!!

I'd like to begin by thanking Jeff for reminding me. Yes everyone, the state of California is officially closed until further notice. All routes into and out of the state are impassable*. In the event that you made reservations let me extend to you a heart felt apology. Nebraska and Arkansas have gone on record and said that they will help out any wayward traveler and honor reservations on California's behalf. This is an unfortunate occurrence but unavoidable. As many of you have read or seen in the news, 18 trillion acres of the state are currently on fire. The last thing we need is out of state lookie loos clogging the 5 freeway. In addition Gavin Newsom is exploring the idea of running for Governor in 2010. It is essential that the state keeps it's supplies of hair product safe in order to ensure that his campaign is successful. Again we are sorry for the inconvenience.

Jake

* If you are coming to California for the fourth of July Lindsey Lohan gay wedding you will not be allowed to pass through any checkpoints. Might I suggest trying entry from the south. Rumor has it that anyone can make it through just south of San Diego.

p.s. Have a happy Fourth of July. Practice safe fireworks etiquette by keeping sparklers at least three feet from your testicles.

Let's Catch Up!!!

So, the last two weeks have been interesting to say the least. As many of you know I am slammed with "teaching credential" shit. In addition I have still been working. And since the state is fucking burning down you can imagine how busy I have been. So, I will forego the apologies and cut to this. . .The "Catch Up Post". Intermingled with two weeks of insanity I'm going to throw in some random shit for you amusement. Let’s begin, shall we?

I think that commuting sucks donkey balls. If any of you commute and have in fact sucked donkey balls can you please verify this for me? Now on any given "normal" Jake day, my commute is about ten minutes. And that is if I get stuck at a few lights. That is by design. Driving to school is 65ish miles each way in traffic. Couple that with assholes on the road and gas prices exceeding 5000 drachma a gallon. . .it's enough to make a guy become Amish, change his name to Samuel Stoltzfus, and ride around in a fucking buggy. While driving to hell and back amongst the assholes elite for two weeks, I must have said this a dozen times. . . "If I was a cop I'd. . . . ."
Ok, follow me for a minute.

• an asshole cuts me off and then slows down. I'd say "If I was a cop I'd pull you over and shoot your balls off!"



• Guy parks his mustang in a handicap spot (and has a placard) then runs into 24hour Nautilus to work out. "If I was a cop I'd put my boot so far up your ass that your nose would get stuffed up!"

I actually cracked myself up a few times. It's a great stress reliever, give it a shot sometime!

Let me preface this next paragraph. I don't enjoy fire but I enjoy fighting fire.

I don't take any pleasure in watching folks lose thier possessions to fire. But if shit is going to burn I don't want to be on the sidelines. I want to be there to do my job. Now to the rest of you assholes. Yeah, I'm talking to you dickwad! Why do you drive to big fires and watch? It's not a fucking Christmas Parade! Maybe if it was your shit that was burning up then you'd feel different.

Sorry, where was I?

Where do old people come up with the shit they say?

• Who is Jahosifat and Gewilikers and why the fuck are they always jumping?


• Isn't "Christ Almighty" just a nice way of saying "Jesus Fucking Christ"?


• What is "Shine-ola" ? Does it look anything like shit or is it obviously different?


• "Six of one and half a dozen of another" WTF? Why not say "It's four shy of ten or two times three"?


• I don't like Pete now and I never will. So anything done for his sake isn't really worth it.


• Whos idea was it to put a cat in the bag in the first place? Hey I like cats, I say "let the little fucker out"!!!

Jake

California Summer.

Hola everyone. Been in class all week. Now I'm on the fireline in the Napa hills. I have some great pics but I am clueless on posting from iPhone. Will catch up with all of your blogs soon.
Jake

Always Learn A Trade.

Click On Image To Enlarge.

Steve Jobs Ruined Me!!!

Can you please help me out? How have I arrived at this point and place in my life? Gone are the days of rampant underachieving and gross apathy. How I long for lazy Wednesday afternoons where I can contemplate excuses for my lackluster existence. I have an idea as to the cause of my dilemma.

Fuck you Apple Evangelists!!! Your creations of brilliance have ended one mans dreams of an aimless existence. You were not happy with bringing home computing to the masses. You targeted the young and old with catch phrases like plug and play, drag and drop, spring loaded, and what you see is what you get!!! You Bastards!!! You ensnared us all with a magic box that holds 8,000,000,000,000 songs! Was it enough? No I say, no it was not! You have exposed me to a poison worse than crack....



Because of you, I now know. . .

1. who
2. what
3. why
4. when
5. where
6. how
7. how come
8. how much
9. the repercussions if I do
10. the repercussions if I don't
11. the cost
12. the length
13. the width
14. the girth
15. Triple E
16. Double D
17. Quantity
    
18. Quality
19. Essence
20. Existence
    
21. Terms
22. Definitions
23. Decimals
    
24. Fractions
25. Factions
26. Actions
27. Auctions
28. Do's
    
29. Dont's
30. Wills
31. Wont's
    
32. and how to say Fuck in French.

So to all you selfish, no good, rotten bastards at Apple. . .

Futuere' !!!

Jake

I'm having Lucky Charms In The Morning.

As most of you probably know, tomorrow is Friday the 13Th. As luck would have it (no pun intended) I am working tomorrow. By my very nature I am not a superstitious individual. But considering that a good chunk of California is currently on fire, Jake here has decided to not take any chances. So tomorrow I will be carrying the following items around in my pockets.


(Don't ask me, Wikipedia said that a fucking acorn is lucky...who knew?)

You're probably thinking at this point, "Jake, won't your pockets be kind of heavy?" Well my answer is "YES". . . and that is the intent. Because really, none of these inanimate trinkets mean a fucking thing. But they will be a reminder to. . .


Have plenty of this around for unexpected "knocking"! . . .

to do this through out the day. (I hope the homies don't think I'm throwin' signs!). . .


avoid this. . .
steer clear of this little bastard. . .

and to keep an eye out for a guy swinging this,. . . .


while wearing this!!!


Happy Friday everyone and good luck. . .you'll need it!

Jake

The Late Call

Click On Image To Enlarge