Saturday, May 17, 2008

"I'll Have The Pretzel Please...Yes, With Extra Pain"

If any of you out there are missing your Romanian interrogation expert you can put your mind at ease. I found him. I had another massage this week. This is like the eighth time I have been to see this guy. For the record, these massages offer none of the following...

  • Tranquil music that would make Yanni and Kenny G feel gay.
  • Candles; like in the intro to Kung-Fu.
  • A girl named Ling'.
  • Cucumbers on the eyes or green tea callus paste.
  • Reach arounds or happy endings.
  • Martinis with lemon wedges
  • foot, hand, or temple rubs.
These sessions last about thirty minutes. This guy is so frigging' rough that I have left bruised, sweaty, and nauseated. O.K. that did sound kind of gay but it's not what you think. In spite of having a degenerative spine, the last six weeks or so have been great. Between sessions my pain occurs half as much and is half as bad. But, these massages are truly painful.

At the last session with Boris*, tears actually formed at the corners of my eyes. Sensing my discomfort, Conan laughed and backed off a bit. But I have to admit. Since then I have had more pain than normal. I guess that I need to leave my Care Bear and Crayons at home and be a man next time.


*I considered calling him Vlad the Impaler but that really sounded gay!

5 Beer Farts:

about jenji said...

Ugh, I can sympathize with you Jake.

I had a major car accident and cracked a bone in my neck (among other things)-- My friend is a massage therapist and offered to help me out, albeit for $30/hour.

Anyway, her massages are so freakin painful that yes, tears begin to well up and you simply cannot believe that the process could be anything but NON-therapeutic; and yes, actual bruises.

It's especially rough when she performs the "blow the lid off" move, wherein I was also denied any type of reacharound and/or happy ending as well.

The lid deal focuses on the back of your neck and the back of your head; it makes me want to shoot myself in the face, I swear to God. The pain is almost worse than when I had the freakin accident. Unreal.

What is up with that? I can't say that I have felt better after any of her manipulations, so I stopped going to her and got some relief elsewhere.

It's odd isn't it? I hope you can get some relief elsewhere--it doesn't need to be that painful. What do you think you're going to do?

wishing you lots of hot tubbies and some serious pain relief,


Dave2 said...

Methinks Jake has found his soulmate!

Jake Titus said...

Jenji: sorry to hear about your expierence. I am learned that by enduring a short amount of pain, my long term comfort has improved. I'm still not ruling out acupuncture. Best wishes to you ass well.

Dave: Mrs. Titus is way better looking than Vlad. Although, he's got her beat in the massage catagory. Hmmmmmm.....I'll stick with the Mrs.

Jeff said...

Do you need to be concerned that your list of bullets doesn't include happy endings?

Corrina said...

Wow. That really sounds like it sucks. lol