Saturday, June 14, 2008

Steve Jobs Ruined Me!!!

Can you please help me out? How have I arrived at this point and place in my life? Gone are the days of rampant underachieving and gross apathy. How I long for lazy Wednesday afternoons where I can contemplate excuses for my lackluster existence. I have an idea as to the cause of my dilemma.

Fuck you Apple Evangelists!!! Your creations of brilliance have ended one mans dreams of an aimless existence. You were not happy with bringing home computing to the masses. You targeted the young and old with catch phrases like plug and play, drag and drop, spring loaded, and what you see is what you get!!! You Bastards!!! You ensnared us all with a magic box that holds 8,000,000,000,000 songs! Was it enough? No I say, no it was not! You have exposed me to a poison worse than crack....



Because of you, I now know. . .

  1. who
  2. what
  3. why
  4. when
  5. where
  6. how
  7. how come
  8. how much
  9. the repercussions if I do
  10. the repercussions if I don't
  11. the cost
  12. the length
  13. the width
  14. the girth
  15. Triple E
  16. Double D
  17. Quantity
  18. Quality
  19. Essence
  20. Existence
  21. Terms
  22. Definitions
  23. Decimals
  24. Fractions
  25. Factions
  26. Actions
  27. Auctions
  28. Do's
  29. Dont's
  30. Wills
  31. Wont's
  32. and how to say Fuck in French.

So to all you selfish, no good, rotten bastards at Apple. . .


Futuere' !!!


Jake

10 Beer Farts:

C said...

I think stress is a universal word.

Tyler Durden said...

Yes sir. I don't even know how to take a shit anymore without having my I-Phone right next to me.

Dave2 said...

I love my iPhone more than life itself and worship Steve Jobs as a god.

Have a glass of the Kool-Aid and join us. No need to put up a fight, it's delicious!

Jake Titus said...

c: yes, except in Madagascar.

Tyler: you might be interested in the new iWipe.

Dave: My blogging hero... If you say so. But can I have mine with Mandarin Absolute?

Corrina said...

Oooo you have an iPhone! I bet you love it. I loved mine too for 3 1/2 months. Now I love my BlackBerry. If you're not a cell phone-o-holic like me, you and your iPhone will live a long and happy life. :-) It really is a piece of technological genius and beauty.

And although I'm "over" the iPhone, I still love my future husband, Steve Jobs and want to marry him and have baby Macs. lol

ADW said...

The only way that I am getting rid of my iPhone is if it is ripped out of my cold dead hands.

Before I do anything in the morning, I check my e-mail. From bed. With my eyes half glued shut with sleep.

I think the iPhone jumped the shark when my MIL had me look up the name of a song on iTunes and then play it for her though (=

about jenji said...

Isn't the iPhone the deal where you look like you're working the computer from Minority Report?

Sans the coo-coo Tom Cruise affliction.

A user looks a lil Tai Chi whilst in use?

jenji

Marvin the Martian said...

And that's why THIS is one of my favorite stupid videos on the web...

http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx?
type=unsafe&video=iphone

;-)

Jeff said...

I'm one of the lucky ones who can't afford an iPhone or the service plan. Yay me! Yay me!

Jake Titus said...

Corrina: Please invite me to the wedding.

ADW: Good to see that I'm not the only one addicted.
Jenji: its made me the king of finger arobics!

Marvin: funny!!!

Jeff: yeah but I know how handy you are. I bet you could carve one out of a block of wood that would end up having a better wifi connection!