Thursday, July 3, 2008

You Don't Have to Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here!!!

I'd like to begin by thanking Jeff for reminding me. Yes everyone, the state of California is officially closed until further notice. All routes into and out of the state are impassable*. In the event that you made reservations let me extend to you a heart felt apology. Nebraska and Arkansas have gone on record and said that they will help out any wayward traveler and honor reservations on California's behalf. This is an unfortunate occurrence but unavoidable. As many of you have read or seen in the news, 18 trillion acres of the state are currently on fire. The last thing we need is out of state lookie loos clogging the 5 freeway. In addition Gavin Newsom is exploring the idea of running for Governor in 2010. It is essential that the state keeps it's supplies of hair product safe in order to ensure that his campaign is successful. Again we are sorry for the inconvenience.

Jake

* If you are coming to California for the fourth of July Lindsey Lohan gay wedding you will not be allowed to pass through any checkpoints. Might I suggest trying entry from the south. Rumor has it that anyone can make it through just south of San Diego.

p.s. Have a happy Fourth of July. Practice safe fireworks etiquette by keeping sparklers at least three feet from your testicles.

6 Beer Farts:

Jeff said...

Hey, I know some of the guys from Semisonic. Sorry to hear about the Lohan wedding. I already had my tux rented.

Dave2 said...

What's the 4th of July without Lindsey Lohan? Party pooper!

Meg said...

And what is your advice to those of us who don't have testicles? And please don't tell me to go out and get them--I'm tired of that already.

ps I now realize that the above statement makes it seem like I do have balls. Hmmm....

The Middle Lifer said...

Hope that the Terminator isn't pushing you guys to hard. Read about it on CNN.com just now, must suck to be in that mess everyday. Be safe dude.

Jake Titus said...

Jeff: Sorry you missed it.

Dave: I had to settle for hanging out with Rosie O'Donnell. She's defiantly not as fun. At one point during the 9th consecutive game of Jenga I thought about stabbing her with a fork.

Meg: Just keep them three feet from MY balls. That's all you should be concerned about.

Lifer: All is well... Muchos Gracias

Marvin the Martian said...

Hey, at least there's still a state to visit, not like back in 1997 when it was falling into the ocean. ;-)

You don't have to go back and fight more fires, do you? It looks like they're flaring up again. All I see is fire, fire, fire on TV. Why can't we see locusts instead?