Sunday, April 27, 2008

Spee-dont!!!

Two incidents have now occurred in the last week that I just cannot let go. With the weather getting warmer here in Cali I fear that these incidents might become more frequent. In my opinion, men wearing nut hugger speedos, is not acceptable.

The first incident occurred way to close to home. My neighbor (lets call him Tony) and his wife just got back from a vacation in the Virgin Islands. Mrs. Titus and I accepted an invitation to go to their house to see vacation pictures. Now normally I would have cut my own throat and lit my hair on fire in response to such an invitation. This situation was different because they are really fun people that; like me, drink like fish.

This will help paint a more vivid image for you. With the help of modern technology we were viewing said pictures on Tony's big screen TV. Now, all is going well for the first five minutes or so. "Here we are . . . blah blah blah. Here I am at . . . blah blah blah." As you can imagine, a typical boring vacation montage.

Without warning, Blam!!! Before my eyes is a big screen hi-def shot of Tony. He's sunning himself on the beach in a white ball choking banana hammock. WTF!!! I just about shot stout out my fucking nose. There has to be some sort of breach of etiquette here. I'll give Tony a small amount of leeway here as he is from Europe. But really, what the fuck?" Like parental warnings that precede a major motion picture. Can you give me some preemptive warning here? To make matters worse, Tony is not a manscaping kind of guy. Again, he's from Europe. Now normally I don't care how or if another dude grooms. I swear it looked like he had a Pomeranian stuffed in his Lycra Man-Thong. Night ruined! Aside from the disturbing imagery burned into my cerebral cortex, let me tell you that Guinness in your sinuses fucking burns.

The second incident happened this afternoon. I was driving around town on errands. It's hot today. The temperature is in the low eighties with no wind to speak of. Without warning and without shame (on his part) I see him. A wrinkled up guy in his 70's. He's in the front of his house that is on a busy city street. He's washing his car wearing flip flops and a baby blue speedo. Uuugggghhhhhh. I verped and nearly crashed the shit box into a light pole. Now apparently this guy isn't a bologna bag amateur. His skin looks like burnt orange leather. He's been doing this a while. I wanted to go kick his neighbors teeth in for never cluing him in.

So dudes, if your ever feel so inclined to throw on one of these testicle trapeze nets, please think twice. Unless you're going to win a medal in the fucking Olympics I don't feel it's a wise move. Let me go on public record with the following promise to all of you. Should I ever see Tony washing the Volvo with his "Caack-n-Boools" hanging out. I will set him straight.

9 Beer Farts:

Jeff said...

Pretty funny stuff Jake. A preemptive warning would be considered proper etiquette in my book as well.

I admittedly have a few pics of me in a Speedo from the 80s, but at least I keep them to myself.

The Bizza said...

Oh jeeze. You poor guy. The fact that you survived those viewings is a testiment to man's ability to endure.

Jake Titus said...

Jeff: TMI but thanks for the promise.

Bizza: That I was exposed to such foulness is a testiment to the fact that some men have NO fashion sense.

Chardsy said...

First of all, LA blogger happy hour must have you and Mrs. Titus.

Secondly, nut huggers? WRONG! I saw far too many of them this weekend. On the bright side they make me so sick to my stomach that I don't want to eat.

C said...

Caack n bools! That's hilarious. the only thing worse than that (to you it might be a fantasy come true) is when another woman tries to show her boobs to her female friends. I know what they look like - I have a pair. WTF

Jake Titus said...

Chardsy: Im in So Cal once or twice a year. I never turn down a chance for drinks. You know, The "I Feel Like Puking" diet might just take off... we could make millions!!!

C: Yeah, I still giggle like a twelve year old when I hear "Caack n bools". And BTW your right I don't see a problem with you gals standing around comparing breasts. Even better if it moves to panty comparisons.

Hot Coffee Girl said...

It could've been worse.

They could've been naked.

Jake Titus said...

Hot Coffee: Point well taken. Naked Tony and naked leather skin guy would have caused me to need therapy. Seeing them in swimming panties only caused me to drnk more.

The Middle Lifer said...

I am still at a loss as to why any man wears one of these slot jockeys.
My package is too large, of course, I assume that to be the problem for most men, to be held by such a meager contraption.